Tuesday, November 27, 2012

For the past five months, I have been a wreck. Every month or so I have a major freakout about life - anxiety rolls in, doubt overtakes my heart, and the most important things to me seem breakable. And the thought that I could hide my soul's discomfort was a joke - many times at work, my wonderful friends would ask me if I were okay to which I replied, "I'm just tired." when really my soul was crying out for God to deliver me from whatever hurricane was going on in my heart.

This happened again this weekend and I finally had it. After a couple of days I have realized (thanks to God) that I have placed my heart, being, happiness, etc. into all the wrong places and people and it has truly shattered a lot of good things - as it should. God has been so merciful in my painful realization. I asked a couple of my closest friends to pray about what's going on and to let me know what they feel the Lord is saying while they pray. Last night I got a text message from one of them and it said this:

"When I was praying for you tonight I heard the word 'go' over and over. I don't know where you are supposed to go, but that's what I heard, maybe you know. I'll keep praying and keep letting you know." 

Go. At first I thought this meant that I needed to let go of something or that it was part of some unknown phrase. But my heart is believing more and more that "go" meant to go to Him - to stop running and putting my worth in everything but Him. 

Go I shall. 

I am taking a two week sabbatical from the things I have put my worth in - things that have kept me from running and pouring my heart into Christ. When I come home the TV isn't turning on - it will just be me and Christ. The goal is to learn how to be completely content in Christ alone - no matter what He is calling me to do. 

I started this tonight and I cannot explain how much lighter I feel. I haven't felt this excited or this happy in months - and it's only been one night! 

I'm excited to see what God reveals to me during these two weeks - questions will be answered, a content heart will be renewed, and my burden will be light. This I know for He says to expect great things. 

During this time, I am using my deceased grandfather's Bible. As I was reading tonight, I saw notes Granddaddy had taken and it literally brought tears to my eyes. Everything he bracketed or starred related directly to his character. He was truly after God's own heart.